Heads, hearts, what to do?

by Etse Sikanku

Over a decade ago, I made the decision to attend Presby Boys. The school’s academic reputation was legendary and competition to enter was prohibitively fierce. Presec’s scholarly standards were matched only by its stringent disciplinary records rooted in the ecclesiastical traditions of the Basel mission. Across the entire nation, their reputation preceded them: "The Christian Gentlemen”.

Yet, I never really wanted to go to Presec. What disturbs me though, even more than my inability to attend the school i truly wanted, is why this should matter at all now. Why is it that a decade after SSS, I can’t seem to let go the idea that I was never able to attend my dream school? Well, it’s not like I think about it every day but whenever the discussion comes up, I feel I should have followed my heart rather than my head. Or maybe not.

Decisions are a part of life we have to contend with. I’m once again at a point of making a couple of them and yet again, there are some heart and head choices. The impulse is to follow my heart but the head seems most reasonable. Then again, I don’t want to look back several years from now and wish I had followed one or the other.

What to do?

In order to avoid any “If I had the chance again”, “what ifs” or “should have” thoughts or regrets I decided at one point to follow my heart no matter what. I argued that it was the only way to achieve my peace of mind. I wanted to make heart-felt choices. After all, isn’t that what they always told us? “Follow your heart”; folks will say.

At another time, I thought heads should rule because as a maturing young man, I figured I had to start being responsible. I mean what was the point in making emotional or “heart-felt” choices only to regret them later. My friend Afeseh-Ngwa told me in a conversation yesterday evening to find a balance between the two. That struck me as insightful although we both agreed it’s easier said than done.

So again what to do? I have decided that I’m not mechanical enough to make head decisions. Still, heart induced choices don’t always end up quite the way we idealize them. I could subscribe to either school if I apply myself enough but I think that’s kind of risky. Afeseh’s admonition sounds sensible but who am I kidding?

Here’s where I feel religion comes in. I don’t claim religious piety but I still remember enough from Sunday school to know that we can never go wrong with God. I yearn for a time when I shall be able to surrender enough—actually everything—to Him because the more I try to control and rationalize my actions, the more I keep messing up.

As humans I believe we’re limited in our abilities to see past our very nature. Surely, there’s a Supernatural Being who knows it all. If there’s a God who delights in our happiness and wishes the absolute best for us, then why not surrender to Him? This may very well be the antidote to the heads vs. heart argument. How could I possibly go wrong with God? Right now, these words seem so easy to type out. Whether I’ll be able to follow through is another ball game.

God be with us all.